Always With You
by hester4418
Summary: After a particularly fierce battle, Kathryn Janeway has to face the loss of someone very dear to her.


DISCLAIMER: _Star Trek: Voyager _and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures; no infringement of copyright is intended. The story however belongs to me.

PUBLICATION HISTORY: originally written September-December 1998; first published September 1999; republished here October 2012 with a few minor edits**  
**

******A****lways ****W****ith ****Y****ou**  
**by Hester (hester4418)**

The fight had been brief and violent. Now it was over, but no one cheered. He was dead, and so was she.

Or at least that was how she felt.

She regarded her reflection in the mirror. Her face was pale, her skin appearing almost translucent, accentuated by the black dress she wore. A simple dress, the same cut as her blue one – his favorite.

She picked up the padd with her speech and skimmed the lines, choking back the tears when her eye caught on his name. She blinked, once, and continued; she had to be strong, had to set an example for the rest of the crew.

Two paragraphs further down, her eyes filled with tears again, blurring the words and falling on the padd in large drops. She dropped it and sank to the floor, hands covering her face, and sobbing in despair. "I can't – I can't. Oh why, WHY?" Sobs racked her body as she screamed the last word, venting all the anger, despair and loneliness she felt. Why did it have to be _him_?

Several minutes later she had collected herself enough to get up and walk to the bathroom. She splashed cold water on her face to erase the tearstains, took a deep breath, and felt calmer. Another look in the mirror – and the illusion shattered. The dark eyes looking back out at her spoke of so much pain that she almost couldn't bear it. She couldn't do this. Not alone.

She tapped her combadge. "Janeway to Tuvok."

The reply came instantaneously. "Yes, Captain?"

She took another deep breath, willing the tears to stay back this time. "I... I'm sorry, Tuvok. I thought I could do it, but... I – Would you –?"

The Vulcan interrupted her, correctly interpreting the shaky voice and halting speech of his captain, and wanting to spare her the pain of actually formulating her request. He had been prepared for this eventuality. "I will give the eulogy if you wish, Captain."

A short silence ensued, followed by a whispered "Thank you", before the channel was closed.

-==/\==-

Janeway was the last to arrive. When she stepped through the doors, all eyes turned toward her. She was still pale, but more collected than before. When she walked up to the coffin in the center of the room, everybody noticed the two roses clutched in her hands – peace roses. Their meaning had never been clearer than now.

Janeway stopped in front of the coffin and rested one hand on its dark wooden surface. She laid down the roses and carefully smoothed their petals, then nodded at Tuvok who stood across from her on the other side of the coffin. The Chief of Security cleared this throat and began to tell of the life of an angry warrior named Chakotay.

-==/\==-

When Tuvok's speech ended, everybody stood at attention as the last honors were paid to their dead commander, comrade and friend. Then they slowly filed out of the holodeck in silence, each of them wrapped up in his or her own thoughts.

Janeway remained until the last of the crew had left. Then she turned to Tuvok, the only other person still in the room. "Thank you," she said, unshed tears brimming in her eyes but kept at bay, for now. "I don't know what I would have done without you."

"I am glad I could be of assistance," Tuvok replied, his usually stoic demeanor shaken just the slightest bit. Janeway didn't think anyone but her, who had known the Vulcan for many, many years, would have noticed. "And Captain, if you require any further help or assistance, please do not hesitate to ask."

"I won't forget," Janeway smiled, touched by the gesture.

Tuvok turned to leave, while Janeway once again rested her hands on the coffin in front of her, lightly running her fingers over the smooth wooden surface.

When the doors opened at his approach, Tuvok paused. "One more thing," he began.

"Yes?" Janeway asked without lifting her head. She wanted him to leave. As much as she had needed his support before, now she just wanted to be alone with Chakotay. His body was to be cremated and his ashes were to be strewn out over the next suitable planet they encountered; those were his instructions and she intended to follow them through, even though it tore at her heart to think of leaving his remains behind. Now she needed this chance to say good-bye, and she could only hope that his spirit would guide them home, even though his body would not accompany them any longer.

She had almost forgotten that Tuvok was still there when he spoke again. "In the case of his death, the Commander instructed me to tell you of a program he left behind for you to watch. Its name is 'Chakotay Omega'."

Janeway just nodded, which Tuvok took as his dismissal.

She stood in silence for a long moment, gazing out at the scenery around her. Gently sloping fields with rows and rows of wheat swaying in the soft breeze and, in the distance, lines of trees, their leaves just turning red. Indian Summer. She had thought of using a desert scenario for his memorial service, but it had seemed so... dead. Here, there was motion, and the sound of birds singing permeated the silence. The wind played with Janeway's hair and she sighed. "Why?" she whispered. "Why did it have to be you?"

Suddenly she turned, determination returning to her eyes and posture. With her back turned to the coffin, she addressed the empty air in front of her. "Computer, run program 'Chakotay Omega'."

A few steps away, her second-in-command, friend and confidant appeared. He was dressed casually, and after a moment she recognized his outfit as being from New Earth, reminding her of the happy days they had spent on the planet. As far as she knew, he had not worn it since.

Chakotay spoke, addressing her directly but not moving any closer. His voice was calm and collected, almost solemn, but she observed that his hands were fidgeting nervously, clenching and unclenching at his sides. Apparently it had been as hard for him to record the message as it was for her to watch it.

"Kathryn. When you're watching this, it means that I broke my promise to you. I said I would always be at your side, trying to lighten your burden and helping you get this crew home. I failed. I'm sorry."

He paused. His hands relaxed somewhat, and his voice became softer. This first part of his speech had been the most difficult, but he'd had to say it. The burden of the knowledge, that if she ever saw this he would not be with her anymore, had made this recording a daunting task, one he had shrunk from accomplishing more than once. But he had known that it had to be done. If nothing else, this was the last thing he could do for her: lighten her burden once more by absolving her of all the guilt she might feel concerning his death, and by giving her the strength she needed to go on without him, both for _Voyager_'s journey home and for her private life.

A half smile tugged at Chakotay's lips, a smile that made Kathryn cringe with the knowledge of never going to see it again.

"I don't know how I died," he continued, "but I am sure that my death served a purpose. I can only hope that it helped to protect the lives of others, maybe even yours. Maybe it happened in battle, maybe it was an accident – but no matter how brutal or even senseless it may seem to you, always remember this, Kathryn: Whatever happened, it was not your fault."

A silent tear rolled down Kathryn's cheek, and she shuddered at the recollection of Chakotay's last minutes. _Voyager _had been lured into an ambush, and the ensuing battle had been fast and fierce. They had already disabled two enemy ships when a direct hit to the weapons control system had taken out phasers and all but one of their torpedo launchers. Another hit, and most of the bridge consoles had short-circuited from a system-wide overload. With Torres being too busy keeping the engines running, Chakotay had decided to go down to the torpedo bay to operate their only still functioning launcher manually. He'd already scored two direct hits, disabling their most dangerous pursuer, when _Voyager _had been hit again. A bulkhead right behind Chakotay had exploded, the force of the explosion knocking him into the opposite wall and causing multiple internal injuries. The launcher controls had still been within his reach, and he'd fired another torpedo before his world had turned black.

This torpedo had crippled their last remaining attacker, and _Voyager _had limped away at impulse speed. Transporter systems had been down, so the rescue team had had to force their way to Chakotay's position. By the time they had got him to sickbay, there hadn't been much left the Doctor could do; the internal bleeding had been too severe. Chakotay had briefly regained consciousness and smiled when his eyes fell on Janeway, who had hurried down from the bridge the minute the ship was out of immediate danger. Only moments later his heart had stopped. He had been the only casualty.

"When our time comes, nothing can prevent it. I was taught to regard death as an integral part of life, and no matter how much I resented that idea at first, I have come to respect it. Life goes on, and you should make the most of it."

"There is one thing I ask of you, Kathryn. Now that I'm gone, don't cut yourself off from the rest of the crew. They care about you and they want to help you. Let them in on your life, let yourself be part of the family that has formed aboard this ship. They have come to you for support many times, and you never failed them. Now you must give them the opportunity to repay the favor. They love you, Kathryn – don't shut them out."

He broke off. His voice had changed, becoming louder and more agitated as he went on. Now he took a deep breath, visibly struggling to control his turbulent emotions. He looked up, and she saw tears glistening in his eyes.

"I love you, Kathryn. I always have and always will. I respect your decision to just remain friends, but you and I both know that what we had went far beyond friendship. The time we spent on New Earth was the happiest time in my life, and I will treasure the memories forever. I can only hope that they will give you peace, too."

He cast another long look in her direction, and she instinctively knew that this was their final moment of good-bye.

"Be happy, Kathryn," was all he added before his image froze and told her that the recording had ended.

Tears streamed down Kathryn's face and a sob escaped her. She had listened to him in silence; it was obvious that the program was not designed to adapt to her reactions. Even that fact spoke of Chakotay's consideration: If his holographic alter-ego had reacted to her, she would have given herself up to the illusion that he was still with her. He had denied her that escape, and in a way she was grateful.

"Computer, delete program 'Chakotay Omega'." She knew he would have wanted her to delete it, to preserve his memory only in her mind instead of on an isolinear chip. 'Our memories are our most precious possessions' – she couldn't remember where she'd heard that saying, but it held a truth she wanted to embrace.

Kathryn watched as the image of Chakotay vanished. Then she slowly walked toward the doors, the ghost of a smile forming on her face as she thought of New Earth, and how she had been willing to spend the rest of her life with this man who had now been taken from her.

When the doors opened she turned, taking in the landscape and the dark, lonely coffin for one last time.

"I'll miss you," she whispered.

In the breeze of the wind in her hair, she heard his answer. "I'll be with you. Always."

-==/ The End \==-

_In loving memory of my grandparents.  
_


End file.
